What day is it again?

1. Apparently there's some sort of _swine flu epidemic. I heard something about it on the radio once.____.
2. _On Venus, it's always a _ sunny day.
3. 2009 _wears latex panties____ so far.
4. _So, I says to the guy, I says, "Eh! Watch 'yer ass!" And, then I punched that fucker, and_ that was it.
5. For too long I've been _living with swine flu____.
6. I am not obsessed with _swine flu____; I am not!

I can read your mind. By the way...you are a perv.

Please don't mention that it's sad and pathetic to have a whole label group devoted to shit that happens at the grocery store. It's one of the only non-school/work related places I go. Sadder still is that I have some sort of adventure when I'm there. Just don't bring it up! I'm sensitive.
It seems every time I'm at the grocery the firemen are there. Maybe it's the time of day I tend to shop? Maybe the day of the week? Maybe the firemen and I are on the same schedule? This would explain why I sometimes wake in the middle of the night, jump out of bed, throw on my boots, and slide down the banister. Maybe, I was a fireman in another life?
Anyway, today the firemen and I agreed the corn-on-the-cob was a sight for sore eyes. Then,the fireman said he found the tomatoes to be particularly plump and succulent. Almost voluptuous. Actually what he said was, "Tomatoes look nice", but my brain filled in the innuendo. I know what he meant. Filthy fireman.


Isaac's portion: AND THEN I SAID "GET AWAY FROM ME YOU STINKY FIREMAN! GROSS! I'M MARRIED TO A REALLY GREAT GUY!"

Ahem.

At the end of my trip, standing in the check-out line, I find out I'm psychic. Seriously, a weird experience! For some reason I got the impression that it was the check out person's birthday. It was a weird nudge from beyond. So, I asked her if today was her birthday, or if it was this week? She said her birthday was on Tuesday. I have no friggin' idea why I was supposed to know that. Then, beyond my control, I asked her if it was disappointing in some way. She agreed it was kind of a let down.

What can you say after that? Sorry your birthday sucked? Better luck next year? I felt bad for her, like I should go get her a bunch of cellophane wrapped flowers. Maybe it was enough that a stranger recognized her pain. Maybe it was just enough for her to go home and stick her head in the oven.

There's a burden that comes with "the gift". [purse lips and touch finger tips together, knowingly.]

That's Mrs. Moneybags.

My aunt sent me a link to a website for unclaimed property in the state of Wisconsin. She said she typed in my maiden name and something popped up.

I thought 'unclaimed property' can mean a lot of things. Like, "Jennifer...is this your bag of pot? Guess what? You're going to jail". The website looked legit, so I entered my name. But I told my aunt that if it was a big fat bill I was going to mail it straight to her. And, if it was a warrant I would expect her to bail me out. We're family.

Come to find out, I've got $73 out there I didn't know about. How nice is that? So, I'm going to give $50 of it to my friend Joe so he can help save the world. The other $23 is going to the liquor store. Gonna get me decent wine for a change.

Wine that comes in a bottle.

With a cork!

Friday fill-ins (late, of course. And edited!)

1. Join me in _digging this hole. Dig faster!____.
2. Put a little _whiskey__ in your day!
3. Happiness is _getting drunk and chatting up the lesbians on Craigslist____.
4. _Befuddled____ and confused.
5. I'm waiting for _a girl like you to come in to my life. (Foreigner lyrics, NOT a reference to #3 above.)____.
6. _Lesbians__ is (are) hard to resist.
7. And as for the weekend, I mostly __worked, slept, and cleaned up dog puke__. But! On Sunday I _barked orders at my family and ate Crab Rangoons___. I am a(n) _alcoholic__.

Shove off

Today was a glorious Wisconsin day! It was one of those days that makes it worth living through all the snow, freezing winds, and murkey brown slop.

It was a perfect day to be out in The Lorka.

Shove off, originally uploaded by Darwin's Daughter.

Everyone, meet Lorka. She's our boat. And, she's just as much a member of the Schulze Family Puffins as anyone else.

We usually have a little wine and enjoy knowing that we can't be reached. See that green bucket? Guess what we use that for.





I have a big boat boner. Next weekend -It's ON!

Crazymaking

Two hundred dollars worth of flea and tick preventative and heart worm medication has disappeared from my house. I've looked in ridiculous places, like the dryer. I'm not the person who looses things so I'm going crazy. Crazier. Whatever.

Descriptive exercise

Icicles, originally uploaded by Darwin's Daughter.

Do you feel like these icicles? Not so cold, but crisp and silent?

Do you feel like this photo? Classic and free with the wind all around you?

Or, do you feel like this candle? Like a secret shared around a fire, with warmth on your face and cool night air at your back?

Which photo best describes where you are in the world at present? Do two or more fit different aspects of your life right now?

What I did for my summer vacation: A preview.

I've noticed that the topic of my posts have been mostly composed of all things Isaac, Tuffy, and stuff I find on other people's blogs. I want you to know that I do have original ideas. I am capable of creative thought.
I'm also capapble of some incredibly lame excuses. Here's one right now: I'm busy. I am enrolled in 7 credits in school and work mostly full time at the hospital. I also work two part-time jobs that aren't necessarily demanding, but are always present in my mindspace. Finally, there's the family and the need to feed them. And a dog that loves to poop.

I'm not complaining! Life is excellent! I share the wheel with the Creator and I think we are doing an alright job.

But I will tell you a secret. This summer I plan on nothing but books. Books, books, books! And, naps! Sweet naps. Then...when my head is full of crap other people have written and crazy dreams...
I'm gonna rock your world.

Walking on Sunshine.

I am now number 2 on the list when you Google Darwin's Daughter. I have made the big time. Don't worry, I won't let it go to my head. I'm going to treat my adoring public just as I always have. By telling them to take the dog out and empty the dishwasher. You know who you are, honey.

If you haven't already heard, The Bloggess has started an advice column. You can find it, and tons of other great content here. My question to her was how to handle the inevitable, "When are you going to start having babies" question, to which I am always tempted to respond, "when are you going to curl up and die?" One person suggested I say, "...when the condom breaks." I'm totally going to use that one. Thank you who ever you are.

I want some ice cream. Bitch.

Bitch- While watching a documentary on Genghis Khan, Isaac and James learned that the Mongolian word for "me too", or "I agree" sounds like the English word "bitch".

Me: I really like this movie.

Isaac: Bitch.

Oh, it's good to be queen.

Post-its of evil.

On my way to the grocery store today, I called Isaac to relay some information of vital importance. So maybe it wasn't that vital; I did well on my quiz and wanted to share. He was stressed out from work and asked me not to call him unless my ass was on fire, in so many harsh words. I said, "FINE", and hung-up. Hmmph. I cried a little because my tender feelings were hurt.

But then, as usual, my hurt turned into seething anger.
"Oh, you just wait", I thought. "I'm never gonna call you again. You are going to wish and beg for me to call you. You're gonna wonder if I ran away from home!"
How could I let him know that he would pay for hurting my feelings without giving him a call? What would be the best way to deliver my message? Answer: Post-its. Brilliant!

Ordinarily I just call Isaac to tell him what's for dinner, and some other 'honey-do' stuff. For my revenge I decided to post-it the shit out of everything in the house. Post-its that read:

• This is your dinner, I hope you choke.
• Why don't you get off your lazy ass and vacuum.
• Done with work at 7 am. Please be dead by the time I get home. Along those lines.

I made my way through the produce section, still focused on my anger. Standing in front of the apple bins was an old man with shaky hands. He was struggling to open a micro-thin produce bag. I offered to show him a trick I learned. When you pull the handles away from one another, it opens up the middle of the bag. His eyes lit up when I showed him. He said, "How do you like that?", and took his bag by the handles. It looked as thought he was going to give it a try. Instead he held the bag up to his face, like a beard. "I'll have to remember that one", he said as he gave his eyebrows a wiggle. It was the silliest thing I've ever seen an old person do. I wanted to hug him right there.

Off to the meat counter where I uncovered something so amazing...so enticing...so delectable I almost peed on the spot. They call it side pork. They should call it "tender slices of angel rump", it's that good. Bacon is for little babies. Side pork, now there's something a girl can sink her teeth into.

I was less pissed after the old man and the side pork, but I still grabbed a pack of post-its and threw them in my cart. I stood next to a lady in the dog food isle, and we looked over the selections together. She immediately struck me as lonely. Probably had a couple of cats. Probably collected Reader's Digest and floral patterned turtlenecks. I said with a tsk, "Almost a dollar for Alpo. (disapproving look, shake of head) "That's like seven dollars in dog money."
She laughed really loudly, in a great blast! HA!! I love to revisit the classics.

That's it. Kind of a let-down of an ending, I know. But, by the time I got home I was jovial again. My anger had been dissipated by good will.  Isn't good will enough of a happy ending?

The untamed wildetude of nature

ABOUT EDNA TAYLOR PARK-A glacial drumlin rising above a broad ribbon of marsh forms the backbone of this southeast Madison Park. On-going projects are oak savanna and wetland restorations. Nearby Glendale School and Leopold Nature Center use the park extensively for environmental education.

All in my backyard. Literally.
The splendor of nature, including a real Indian Burial Mound, is a mere twenty feet from my back patio door. Glendale Elementary School is a little bit further, but not by much. The playground and soccer fields begin 100 feet or so from my front entrance. I am so fortunate to have this space to explore. I am thankful that the woods can be a safe place for my step-son to play in a growing city. I am grateful even for the patio full of cottonwood fluff and maple ‘helicopter’ seeds each year. With so much wild surrounding us, you’d think we’d have mice. But, we don’t.

The robins have returned and they love to pick worms in the soccer field. Tuffy loves to run through the field and scare up the robins. It makes her feel free, like a big dog. I’ve been encouraging her. Thinking the robins are proportionally chicken-sized, I shout, “Get the chickens, Tuffy! You get those chickens!”

Isaac called me at work on his nightly walk with Tuffy through the school yard. Not very long into the conversation he interrupts –

“Not the hawk, Tuffy! You leave that hawk alone!”

Tuffy, Mrs. Multum In Parvo herself, was trying to wrangle a hawk. She would like to think that she’d be ‘tuff’ enough to take that hawk out, but I know better. She would be a snack. To go. That would be a heartbreak from which I would never recover.


Now I know why I don’t see many mice around. Stupid hawk.

Is it cold, or is it just me?

Dear Isaac,

The red coat you gave me for my birthday a few years ago has passed on to coat heaven. Actually, it tried to kill me. I was trapped in my own jacket for about twenty minutes. I managed to outsmart it and finally defeated the zipper. I left school during break and bought a new jacket. It looks like this, except I'm wearing clothes underneath. Just goes to show, you can teach an old dog new tricks.

Gotta Go!
Love,
Jeni